fun in the lab: the night I tried to masturbate with electricity
by Jack Ritter

when i was fourteen
i had a lab in our basement
she was beautiful -
wavy pyrite flasks
with squeaky rubber stoppers
curvaceous glass tubing
bunsen burners with
scarlet flames
electric motors
that lurched and sparked

she smelled so sweet -
sweaty cement with green stains
hot wood alcohol
aluminum dust
crackling blue ozone
sulfur and carbon powders
from the a.c. gilbert company
coated nose hair
yellow and black

when i got the special third powder
stolen potassium nitrate
i could make descent pipe bombs

one night i tamed house current
with two copper plates
suspended in a tub of water

why not put my penis in there?

didn't feel much at first
without conductive salt mixed in
with a quarter teaspoon it felt funny
just funny
at a half teaspoon
shaft and head pulsated nicely
getting erect
had to lean way forward
pressing down on the stick
at ONE teaspoon of salt
a sixty cycle eel of thrashing blue juice
jumped into the little hole
down the urethra
to the sphincter testicles and bladder

then it hit me-
this will never feel good
and i proceeded to rethink my role
as scientist

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