Honest to God
by Shane Allison

I was never a virgin.

I was never a choir boy or the boy next door.

I was never a goody two-shoes,

But I did what I was told.

Took out the trash, washed the car.

I was never a bastard or a bad ass,

But I stole watermelon blow pops from my Home Ec. teacher's pencil box.

Super-glued a German Shepard's dick to his leg.

I was never mischievous.

Never ran a team of mini-van little leaguers off the road.

I hid in the closet and scared my sister.

I may have forced her to eat dead bugs.

May have left her crying in a plum tree,

But I was never molested.

Preachers never put their mouths on my penis.

I am the good son.

I was never grounded or sent to my room without supper.

It was never called supper at my house, but "come on and eat."

My daisy was never deflowered.

My cherry has yet to lose its red in the backseat of some car

Driven by the school jock itch.

I was never student body president

Or homecoming king.

I was never a popularity prom queen.

I wore a tiara in my afro.

I was never in the Anchor Club or carried a gun in my letter jacket.

I got Amnesty International tattooed under my arm.

I am the property of Eminem

I was never caught smoking in the bathroom,

But I showed a white girl my dick.

My boots were never scuffed.

There were never holes in the knees of my jeans.

I never drowned puppies or sat babies in a bed of fire ants,

But I was a boy scout who carried a big knife

I stole yellow chalk.

I took butterscotch candy out of my mother's purse.

I never started food fights in soup kitchens,

But I threw eggs at a Camaro of a man I liked, but didn't like me back.

I have never persecuted Jews

But I got a kick out of putting laxatives in chocolate cake.

I never had knives for fingers or a leather face,

But I killed my folks and buried them in the backyard next to the Doberman puppies.

I never said I was a saint or a sinner.

I just like throwing grenades at glass houses.


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